Changing, Evolving, Growing

I have been so quiet over the last few months.

Life has been chaotic, I’ve just finished my second eight weeks of my first freshman semester back in college. I do not know which was harder Algebra 1 or English Comp 2. At this point I don’t much care they are both over with and I have a few weeks to breath before my Spring semester starts.

I am still trying to re-find my voice here. Which I guess is why I have been so quiet lately. It’s hard to write when you don’t know what to say. I have a million feelings pouring through me,mostly dealing with anger, depression and all of these nagging doubts which plague me daily. I went to the doctor recently and she changed my medication. It seems to be helping, I am only a  three weeks in of being off of my old medicine completely and on just the new. I was taking Vybriid, which worked well for three years, then it didn’t and upping my dosage made things so much worse.

So now I am taking Lexapro and things are getting better.

I can hear my voice again, not sure what it’s saying but I can hear it through the multitude of tumbling thoughts. I can’t wait for the day the words flow easier. I think it’s going to take practice to speak what is on my mind. I was raised as a proper southern lady and we do not spill our inner turmoil to the world.

But damn it y’all if I keep it bottled in much more I may implode. There’s this amazing lady I have been reading for about a year, Eden. She’s such an inspiration, in her fight against her depression and in the way she lays it all out for everyone. I told her recently I wished I had the courage to write like she did. And she responded this woman I admire for being so painfully authentic responded. edenresponse

I have always felt like letting my inner me, the cussing, sometimes twisted, other times morbid and even immaturely perverted self out for the world to see would drive everyone away.

But I don’t care anymore.  She right, I do (have the courage) and I can (write what I want).

So…changes.

For the very few of you left from Felicia’s Red Door Life days, I’m still me but more authentically me. I don’t know what I’ll post. There are so many things that I like to write and share that I find interesting. I like the idea of posting semi-weekly to do list or housewife things. I like posting about the random things we do and the food I cook but I also have this burning need to post the darker stuff.  The 3 am bawling and sobbing,the anger, the words I bottle up all the time that need to come screaming out of me.

I hope you bare with me but if it’s too much no hard feelings.

I’ll be working all night changing the look and feel of this blog, elvoving it from a translucent snapshot of who I am into a more full colored sharper image. I started with a domain name change. No more hiding behind cute urls and doors.

See y’all soon.. I have some growing to do.

3 thoughts on “Changing, Evolving, Growing”

  1. I look forward to seeing how your blog evolves. I am in awe of your honesty and your courage, I know it can’t be easy.

    Keep writing and I will keep reading. Keep studying, what are you majoring in? Hang in there.

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