This past year has been hard and full of many battles.
The most notable of which was battling a heavy depression that settled over me like those storm clouds you see in cartoons. No matter how much sunshine I got, how much I exercised, partook in favorite activities, and countless other things I could not shake the dark hovering cloud. For the first time in my life, I experienced anxiety attacks and let me tell you I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I did not have social anxiety attacks instead I had crippling attacks driven by my depression. I started to believe the nagging voice in my head who was always saying I was not good enough, not loved, not wanted, that I was messing everything up and the most damaging… that if I did not do something drastic I would never again be happy.
I almost let that voice win.
In June on the first night of our summer vacation, I told Mike I wanted a divorce. I told him, very calmly, how broken I was and how broken I felt our marriage was. I told him there was no way I could fix myself and our marriage; I told him for my own health I chose me. I then proceeded to give my father a heart attack at three o’clock in the morning when I called him bawling. I was a broken woman breaking the man who has stood beside me through a lot of things and I could not see a way out.
That was the longest night of my life.
Finally exhausted from the tears I crawled into bed the two of clinging to opposite sides of the bed with Hayley in between us. My marriage was saved that night and not by anything Mike or I did but by the sweet angel sleeping next to me. I realized I as lay there that I couldn’t in good conscious walk out on my children. The next morning Mike was ever so gentle with me as he worked to convince me to stay. Y’all I don’t deserve this man I am married to. Where most men would have been angry, loud and even violent he was gentle, calm and supportive. Even though he was hurt he showed more concern for me than himself.
That gentleness coupled with the knowledge of not being able to leave my girls kept me from driving the eight-hour drive home alone.
It’s been a long six months full of ups and downs but the one thing that has never wavered is Mike’s support and genuine love for me. Every step of the way he has been with me, working to make not only us better but helping make me better.
I have a long way to go and there are times I still feel the urge to run when I feel broken beyond repair. Our marriage is better….it’s never ending work, but it’s getting there. We talk more argue less, the hurtful words have stopped, the sharp jabs to get reactions are gone.
Life is piecing itself back together, just hope the glue is strong enough to keep it that way.